A Road Back from Schizophrenia by Arnhild Lauveng

Author:Arnhild Lauveng
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781616088712
Publisher: Skyhorse Publishing
Published: 2012-09-14T16:00:00+00:00

Poetry without pajamas

Ididn’t really want to die, but I had no idea how I could manage living, so I tried to end my own life. I had been sick for a long time, and I was very tired. The therapy was tough and I was beginning to understand more of my own responsibility, but I still couldn’t grasp that my needs and wants were reasonable, and so the responsibility became too heavy. I saw more connections, but not what to do with them. I gradually began to let go of some of my perceptions of being sick, but I didn’t have anything to replace them with. I no longer wanted a role as the patient, but I had no role as a healthy person either. I had quit taking medications, but my body was still a chaos of hormones and neurotransmitters that were attempting to reorganize after the end of the chemical influence. I had started working, and social security took more money than I was paid while therapy costs took most of an already tight budget. I was broke, tired, and desperate, and I saw no other solution. After my first suicide attempt they released me quite soon after, but I tried again two days later. At that point, I was admitted to the hospital’s medical department and was interviewed by a few different psychological professionals. I told them that I wanted to die and that it was legal in Norway. I said that I was not psychotic, that I was completely sane, and that the only thing they could do was to delay me a few days, but since I still wanted to die, that was my choice and a legal action. I did my best to seem cool, sensible, and rational, but my heart was crying and I so desperately wanted them to convince me that there was still hope out there, even though I had lost mine. I was so exhausted that I was left with only the cold, but my hope was that they had enough warmth for me still. Maybe they did, I don’t know. Maybe I was so cold and frozen that I didn’t notice. Either way, they told me that I was right about the legalities and that they would have me stay at the hospital overnight and after that they would let me go. I didn’t see any reason why I should wait, so after dinner I ran from the ward and tried a third time. This time I was stopped by a person passing by who called the police, and I was brought back to the hospital. I was then kept under surveillance in a laundry room at the medical ward while they were trying to figure out what to do with me, and after a lot of back and forth, they decided that they would admit me under force. I think my little but very brave mother, who was raised to respect authorities but was still willing to fight like a lioness when her child was threatened, might have caused this.

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